FOR YOUR LISTENING PLEASURE WHILE READING: OH SWEEEET SASSY SALAMANDERS ON A SUNDAY (when I originally began writing this absolute disaster of an oratory!)
An oratory, Alex? Are you sure you're using that word correctly?
ABSOLUTELY NOT! (everyone loves links, right?)
ANNNNNNNNNNNNND AWAY. WE. GO!
Here we are, a week into the playoffs... I bet you thought you had escaped an unhinged rant from THIS GUY.
Well, I am here to properly explain that no, you have not. But, in fact, you nearly did. I had this assignment back in Week 4 (i think). But I neglected my duties, much to the dismay of our commissioner. He begged. He pleaded. But alas, the AR-TEEEEST was not ready. We are trapped in a global quarantine and, frankly, I was busy.
But Ole Yosef St. Commish was resolute. Even after I spurned him early in the season, he requested once more: "Dearest Xander, can you please grace us with your BRILLIANCE? Won't you splay our loins with your GRANDIOSE INTELLECT?!"
I meditated on it. I thought long and hard. And I ultimately decided to wait until the last possible moment to deliver my perspective to my adoring believers. (As an aside, "make cheese with your own damn tiddies" is the most compelling vegan argument I've heard to date. [As an aside to the aside, this is the proper way to parenthesize within parenthesis. THANKS GW AND GEORGETOWN THAT WAS TOTALLY WORTH A HALF MILLION DOLLARS.]).
Hey Alex, are you trying a little too hard right now? YESSAH. I AM STRUGGLING WITHOUT OUTSIDE STIMULI TO VALIDATE ME SOMEONE GIVE ME A GOLD FUCKING STAR.
Neat.
What a disturbingly miserable year this year has been! If you wrote a script for AMURICA 2020 with this much horrific bullshit, Hollywhite Royalty would tell you to go skip stones because none such blasphemy could ever descend on our lovely society. Injustice? PSSSSHHHHHTTTTT. Our FLAG LOVE song ends with "...AND JUSTICE FOR ALL." METALLICA WROTE AN ALBUM ABOUT IT. Desperation? WE ARE THEY RICHEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF HISTORY! Disease? HUH? WE LIVE LITERALLY TWO WORLDS AWAY FROM THAT!
WE LIVE IN GOD'S COUNTRY AND EVERYTHING IS FAIR AND FUN AND GOOD AND.... Well, friends, it turns out all it takes is a "like a flu" to expose the entirety of the Land of Uz as a complete fucking scam. It turns out that everyone that was "in it together" with us was actually more in it for the money and the only ones in it were us, together. I wrote this last Thanksgiving and DEAR BABY GROGU I DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT A MOTHERFUNKING JEAN-YUS I WAS:
Thank you Adorable Baby Yoda for internet memes, idiotic videos and the unfiltered frustration provided by Yahoo Fantasy Football that distracts us from a world that is burning with rage and stupidity. Even in an Age of Information you have offered so many ways to confuse the masses and disguise the fact that we’ve been living in a revolving door Feudalist society in which the wealthiest build off the backs of the perpetually disenfranchised and feast on the souls of the poor while smiling to our faces and selling us Made-in-China dreams of a better life.
(To clarify, it is correct because everyone is dying and starving and losing their fucking minds because disease is killing the common person [BONUS POINTS: it came from CHI-NA] mostly because the people in charge/with THE money [HOMOGRAPHS! (that's not the right word, Alex)] do not, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, DO. NOT. give a shit about us. And yes, I am the ONLY one to have observed such a thing. Send me the Noble Piece Prize.)
Before we get to the Football Fantasies, a quick quarantine recap. If I ever show up looking like this and it is not because I am methodically preparing for the role of a lifetime in an upcoming blockbuster, it is in fact a cry for help.
The NFL this season has been a thing, huh? Sure, the games are getting moved to Wednesday afternoons and players sitting out because they hung out with the wrong people. Maybe we shouldn't be doing this because "300,000 people" have "died" but if we just do it anyway and we only let like uhh like 15,000 people come see it in person, but people NEEED THIS YA KNOW. Anyway, this year is so drastically unlike any of the last 15+ seasons and I'm pretty sure we all just kind of glossed over that because everything in life is very much unlike anything in the last 15+ years. Let's quickly review: Tom Brady and Gronk went to Tampa to attempt a Heat-esque coup of the NFL that is returning mixed results, the Chiefs are the most fun offense to ever exist and Patrick Mahomes goes in motion and Tyreek is the fastest person alive and also the Eagles are the first team in NFL history to win a Super Bowl with a backup quarterback, sign their starter to an historically large contract and then draft a quarterback controversy. All within the span of 3 years. Really, it's pretty impressive.
So, I was supposed to review the final week of the season, but that's not much fun because everything was already set for the playoffs. That's the first time in our 9 year league history the final week was completely meaningless. Is that true? Who gives a fuck! I'm not even sure if it's the ninth year. Let's just skip to the playoffs.
Phil has clearly had the most domineering team of the season, but Hamalamamaroso has stormed his way into the conversation of most dominating fantasy football team in Munglerdome history! His 1604.34 points are the most ever going into the playoffs in our league's history! Is that true? Fuck if I know! The only thing I -- nee ANYONE -- should care about is the fact that Jacobi and the Bowl Cuts eliminated Lane and MY UNCLE SORI WON A GODFORSAKEN PLAYOFF GAME!
Lane hasn't been as intolerable as past seasons, but I'd be lying if I didn't speak for everyone when I say it's nice to see him eliminated early. On the other hand, Sori has had a brutally unfair shake in fantasy football history. Sure, he might be terrible at evaluating football talent, but perhaps he's also incredibly unlucky! Either way, I no longer care that I was eliminated in Week 12 with the rest of the league. I only care about my dear friend Matthew and his new found fantasy football fantasies. I hope he rides this wave to the championship and drops a Gerber Baby on Mike. As for the rest of us, it was just a weird year with COVID and we'll get em next year. This was probably the first year I didn't finish first or last so there's that. I'm the Oscar the Grouch of the league. I sound like I know what I'm talking about but at the end of the day, I live in a trashcan.
You know, we often use these spaces to give each other shit. Slurs slung. Obscenities obsenced. Vulgarities vlung. But given the shitty state of the world, I'd rather just say I miss all of you a whole lot. Even Dustin. I still don't know this guy. But I was genuinely PISSED when Mike suggested replacing him. I think we should move forward with Mike's suggestion to bring Matt Fox in the league but to spitefully draft Mike's team.
I hope you're making the best of this fucked up year by enjoying simple things with the people that mean the most to you. We're gonna have the biggest, silliest hang when Big Brother and Viral Company let us.
Happy Chanuka and Merry X-Mas!
Lurv,
Alex